Dear Karen - "I'm pregnant, but it's not my husband's baby"
I'm in a royal mess and really don't know what to do. Please please please can you help?
I've just found out I'm pregnant which is really amazing but surprising news because I've been trying to get pregnant for over a year now with no success. The trouble is, it's not my husband's baby.
The last year has been horrific to be honest, and my husband and I have not been getting on well a lot caused by the trying to get pregnant as well as some financial stress and other family stuff. I guess I've felt like we were on the brink of splitting up and had a brief fling with a co-worker. I know that's really bad and please don't hate on me for it, I already feel awful and know it was really wrong.
What do I do? I'd probably say to someone else not to keep the baby but because I've found it so hard to get pregnant I'm worried if I do that I might not get another chance to be a mum.
It would be so easy just to let my husband believe it's his and play around with dates etc and maybe that could save our marriage? I definitely don't want to tell my co-worker because although I really fancy him, I know there's no future with him. Would it be awful just to pretend it's my husband's baby?
Thanks in advance.
I really don't think you should or can let your husband believe this is his baby and here's why ...
1. It's morally wrong for all involved, including your unborn child who deserves to know who his or her father is. It's not fair to let your husband believe this child is his, develop strong bonds and support this child all his life when there's the potential for him to find out later the child isn't his. And for the real father, I believe he has the right to know, and responsibility to support his biological child.
2. From a practical point of view fudging the dates might not be that straight forward. The minute you go for a scan, and any decent dad will want to go with you, they'll be able to work out your date of conception.
3. If there are any complications at the birth or in your child's life that require medical staff to know blood types etc, you may well be outed then and potentially delay treatment to your child.
I really think you have to take duping your husband off the table as an option. It's not a workable solution for you I'm afraid.
I do empathise with your dilemma though and know you're desperately searching for a way not to hurt your husband and make good of a horrible situation. I'm afraid the only way to get there though is to come clean and own up to your infidelity. I know that'll seem incredibly scary and has the potential of you losing your husband so you'll be reluctant to do that but if you want to keep this baby, and I can completely understand why you would, it really is your only option.
Come clean, apologise for your indiscretion, acknowledge how horrific the situation is but explain why you want to keep the baby. If you really do want to stay with your husband, tell him why you want him to stay and for you to raise the baby together. Only he can make the decision of whether he wants to be part of that and whatever his response you kind of have to accept.
Be prepared then, to raise this baby alone and lose your husband as a result. It's incredibly tough and I really feel for you but this is one of those times where you have to face the music.
The only way you can make this go away and, if you're lucky, no-one find out, is to terminate the pregnancy (assuming you're early enough into the pregnancy to allow you to do that), and that's definitely not an easy answer physically or emotionally either.
Whatever you decide to do, you have some major life-altering decisions to make and I'd really urge you to confide in someone you trust to help you navigate this.
We all make choices we know aren't right from time to time and end up in situations we struggle to find a way out of. I feel for you and really hope you find a positive outcome here.
Lots of love,