Dear Karen “Hook-up is becoming obsessed, how can I get her to back off?”
Firstly I want to thank you for offering this service. I think it’s such a kind thing you do and offer an ear to people who need it. I must admit I never in a million years thought I’d ever write in but here I am - hahaha!
I have a bit of a situation with a friend that I have and boundaries. I’m a girl in my late twenties and this friend is also female and part of a wider friendship group that I’m in. We’ve known each other for about a year and a half and get on well socially. About 6 months ago we kissed on a night out then a few weeks later spent a night together which was fun but from my position, very casual. Oh yeah, I’m bi! I should have mentioned that! The thing is she’s not (or doesn’t identify as bi anyway) yet she seems to have a bit of an obsession with me. That sounds big-headed but she is very full on with the texts and to be totally honest, really starting to get on my tits - hahaha, no pun intended!!!
I’m attracted to this girl but I have no interest in getting involved with someone who’s still in the closet and have told her this. I don’t know why but she doesn’t seem to hear me even when I’m completely blunt. It’s got to the point where I’m now avoiding going to events I know she’ll be at as I don’t want the hassle but that means I’m missing out on time with the wider group.
What do I do and how can I get things to go back to how they were before we kissed?
Hope you can help!
Awh thank you for your kind words. Dear Karen has helped me just as much as it’s helped other people out there so a big thank you to everyone who has written in with their problems as well as those who take the time to send messages of support and advice too.
Thank you also for sharing your story - I’m sure many of us have been in a similar situation at some point and my followers will have as much advice on this topic as I will.
Ok, so I can completely understand why this is frustrating for you, particularly when you say you’ve been “completely blunt” so she should, in theory, have no misunderstanding about how you feel. However ... I’ve learned that just because we think we’ve been clear and our message obvious and unambiguous, it doesn’t always follow that it’s been heard how we intended it to be heard, or understood in the way it was meant.
You saying that you’re not interested in anything serious might not be putting her off as you’d hoped. Indeed, for someone who isn’t ‘out’ about being into same sex hook-ups, you saying you don’t want anything serious might be music to her ears - she can play with you without ever having to go public. You may, by accident have actually encouraged her!
You don’t say in what way she appears obsessed with you - is it the amount of texts she’s sending or what she’s saying in them? If she’s just a bit too enthusiastic, potentially you’re interpreting that as her wanting to get serious where in fact, she’s just excited to get to experiment with this hidden part of her life.
However, whether that’s the case or not, she’s annoying you and you’re avoiding her so I’m assuming despite you saying you’re attracted to her still, you just want it to stop. I think that’s what you need to tell her. Don’t just say you’re not interested in in getting involved with someone not in the open about their sexuality, tell her you don’t want to continue being involved with her - that bluntly if it’s genuinely required but preferably with some sort of nuance and kindness that explains to her that she’s just come on a bit strong and turned you off to pursuing it any further. You can tell her the texting is too much, too full on and that you won’t be engaging in it any further but I’d lead kindness before stating that - you might find this has just been a bit of confusion on her part and she’s thought it’s been a mutual thing. That’s going to sting to hear that so tread carefully but be crystal clear.
You might find if you’re that transparent, she’ll get it and back off without having to be unpleasant about it, allowing you to return to feeling comfortable attending events with your friendship group again.
I really hope you can smooth this over and things return to how they were for you both but if in doing the above nothing changes, block her number but go to the events and if/when she approaches you just explain that nothing changed after your talk so you had no choice, that you wish her well but that you need her to give you space.
Good luck and please let me know how you get on.